There’s nothing quite like a strong yet gentle reprimand from God coming through the scripture and repeated by someone close to you who loves you. I received that today. And I’m sitting with it. Paul may be referring to widows in Timothy’s congregation; but the principle he is pointing to applies to us all. “You can tell a legitimate widow by the way she has put all her hope in God, praying to him constantly for the needs of others as well as her own. But a widow who exploits people’s emotions and pocketbooks—well, there’s nothing to her.” (1 Timothy 5:4) I didn’t catch the meaning of this the first time I read it. A second reading plastered it right between my eyes.
I’m not a widow but if you were to climb into my brain for a day you might think I was one. You might think I was orphaned and destitute as well. Honestly, you wouldn’t even have to climb into my brain, you could just hang around me for a few hours and listen to the faithlessness that too easily escapes from my lips. It often comes out when friends or acquaintances ask me about our daughter and her plans post graduation. I start well intentioned and share how thrilled we are that God has healed her and that she’s graduating from high school. But then I slow down and measure my words about her next year. “She’s going to take a year off,” I follow my first statement. “And look at colleges.” That’s safe enough. But then the bitterness seeps through and I have to add, “I honestly don’t know where she can go that we can afford.” I’ve convinced myself that I’m being transparent and vulnerable to my friend. But what I’m being is faithless. And my faithlessness is poisonous.
Paul points out a “legitimate widow” as a woman who has lost all her source of provision but has come to depend solely on God himself. Not only does she believe He is going to provide for her every need, she believes He is going to provide for everyone she brings to him in her prayers. She believes on behalf of others. She is “legitimate” in that she has truly lost everything; knows her desperate need and knows the only source available to provide for her. Why go to friends for help when the owner of the bank has given her full access? She gets it. She understands her true source of provision.
In my mind, I am an “illegitimate widow.” I have genuine loss in my life. We lost several years of our child’s life; we lost a fortune in medical costs. We lost relationships. But instead of sincerely trusting and believing that God will provide for her and our needs, I would rather share my concern with you. I can’t see his provision for her future or ours in light of what we’ve lost; so I would rather lay it before you in hopes of your gentle knowing look and kind consolation. You might follow me down my tunnel of woe and help me find a way out. Outside of God. I can rationalize my verbage all day but in the end, my words are the rotten fruit of my own faithlessness. And if you hang around too long, they will poison you, too.
The rebuke I received was not unkind or harsh. It was liberating. You can’t be set free from something you can’t see. What an opportunity to return to the arms of my Heavenly Daddy; or to the Lover of my soul. God is both. He is all I need; all my daughter needs; and my line of credit for all He has called and equipped us to be. In whatever future place or school He calls our sweet, healed girl, he will foot the bill. He’s already doing the surgery needed on my heart. He’ll pay for the recovery and post surgical care, too.
I’m working on my new response in case you ask about my daughter’s future. She has a great life ahead of her; a life of freedom and joy and I can’t wait to see what doors He will open and how He will take her there.
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